tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My feet surprised me
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
