omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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