she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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