i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
