I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
