I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
