there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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