I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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