those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
