I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Semen is not good for contacts.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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