gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
