Ketchup is God's man juice
He felt like a one man threesome
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
