You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
