My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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