I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Dear god my vagina.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
