hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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