She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
