i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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