My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
