It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
