His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
