Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
