So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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