Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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