Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
