Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
