I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
