Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
