tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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