it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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