I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
