I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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