My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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