I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
