And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The uberlube is also flammable
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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