There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
