Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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