You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
