The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I could fuck to npr.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
