pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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