omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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