This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
