Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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