she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
