rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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