am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my phone needs a breathalizer
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
