I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
