She is in my trunk
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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