the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
