I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
