I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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