Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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