I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
