U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
