Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
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I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
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I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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