God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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