Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
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Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
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I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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