tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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